My Advice Column

I'm lonely!
That's because no one loves you and doesn't want to be with you. It's time to face facts.

I'm not sure if he/she likes me!
It's doubtful. Who would like a whining pussy like yourself? I'd suggest just ending it all.

So, I'm talking to this guy and...
He just wants to get laid. He doesn't think you're special because, well, you're not.

But he...
Just wants to get laid, get over yourself. There's nothing special about you. He has a dick, he's horny, he wants to put it somewhere.

I want to stop feeling this way.
Then stop. Suck it up and deal with it... or kill yourself. Either option works.

I'm 13 and I'm so depressed. What should I do?
Realize your problems don't mean shit. You're 13? I hate to break it to you, but life only gets worse. Tough break, kid.

I really want to stop cutting.
Resort to a shotgun. It's quick and effective. It's messy though, but you won't have to clean up the mess.

I just started school and don't have any friends.
And you never will. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but you never will have friends... unless you start sleeping around that is, then everyone will love you. Yeah, try having a train run on you, I know how much you girls love the attention. Death gets you a lot of attention too, try that.

I like this boy, but I'm afraid my friends will make fun of me for dating him.
Kill your friends... then yourself for caring what others think of you.

My daddy/mommy doesn't love me!
Shouldn't have been a fuck up from birth.

I'm pregnant and don't know what to do!
Should have kept your legs closed to start with, whore. Fall down the stairs.

My girlfriend is pregnant and I don't know what to do.
Should have learned to think with something other than your cock. Sucks for you, buddy. Hahahahaha!!!!!

He broke up with me!
Let the wrist cutting begin! You know it's all over now, no other options for you. Hey, you had a good run.

She broke up with me!
Probably because she's straight and found out you have a pussy. Don't resort to cutting yourself though, real men know how to kill themselves.

I'm heartbroken!
Shouldn't have had a heart to begin with, wimp. Only way to fix a broken heart is to cut it out of your chest. Try it!

Should I start taking the pill?
Yes. And by "pill" I mean a cyanide tablet.

How do I ask this girl out?
Insult her, treat her like shit, maybe slap her around a few times. Chicks eat that shit up. They love when you treat them like they don't matter.

I'm being emotionally abused.Stop being a pussy.
Emotional abuse? How does one let someone get to them so badly that it's abuse? You were asking for it as far as I'm concerned.

Should I have an abortion?
Yes, we don't need more mistakes like you running around.

What should I do? I failed my (insert class here) exam! My parents are going to kill me!
Good, they'll save me the trouble of doing it.

Should I start having sex?
No, if you start having sex now, that means something is wrong with you and you're a slut.

I don't want to have sex right now, but he does. What do I do?
Put out, stop being such a prude. Put out and become a whore already.

My girlfriend won't sleep with me. What should I do?
Your dick's too small, not much you can do about that. Might as well die a virgin.

My boyfriend won't sleep with me. What's wrong with me?
You're probably just too ugly, too fat, or too skinny. I wouldn't want to sleep with you either, fucking ogre.

How do I give good head?
...

Is he cheating on me?
Probably. Guess you shouldn't have been such a horrible girlfriend. Have fun dying alone.

Am I a whore?
If you have to ask that question then yes, you are.

I am worried about going to college and missing my friends and family.
Chances are they won't miss you, get used to it.

Tomorrow my boyfriend and I are going to hold hands for the first time. We talked about it and we both want to. However I'm still very nervous I don't know why. What are some tips for holding hands?
Tips for holding hands? Grab his crotch, probably the best way to go about it.

My friends have all been avoiding me recently, what's wrong with me?
Probably everything. No one wants to hang out with a loser.

What makes you so qualified to give advice?
Absolutely nothing. I'm just hoping that you've killed yourself by the time you've reached this question.



With hate,

Another Dead Hero